Chronicles of a Neurotic Teen

Portraits rock...

2005-09-23T04:07:51Z

I love taking portraits yay!

String Bean!

Iain is very photogenic...

awww keenan...

So... Justin pissed off that bridge. Everyone saw his penis.

Life is but a dream...

2005-09-13T04:15:47Z

My dream toy right now is this: http://www.apple.com/ipodnano/

I got the fucking most awesome pants from the Gap today! How much were they? $19.99! Fuck yah! They add emphasis to my ass.

I applied at the Gap and picked up an application at Gamestop. Keep your fingers crossed.

Today I took some awesome emo pics of Justin Rogers... but they're on my camera phone... so they are pretty much unaccessible.

Keenan taught me long division today. Thank God!

Tonight I need to study Japanese as though my life depended on it. I've been slacking.
The evil cold from hell has finally exited my system.

Crappity Crap Crap Crap!

2005-03-16T02:25:14Z

So I've been really busy.

The past two weekends before this one I have requested off Fridays and Saturdays and left myself open for Sundays. I worked those Sundays. It's not that I didn't want or need to work... I couldn't. One weekend I had a film project, the next I was sick/ doing studying. The last was my birthday and I finally requested off all three days (with guilt of course) because I had been busy with school and stuff.
Managers are making a big deal about all this as if our lives should be nothing but AMC Cantera 30. Fuck them. What makes me even more upset is that they probably won't let me request off time for spring break ugh. It wouldn't even be the whole Spring break it would just be scattered days.

I just applied at lovers lane and my fingers are crossed. I want this job so bad. so so bad. I'm going to plead for it. I'm going to kiss ass for it if i have to. I want it, I need it.

I just bought Alfie and the Postal Service CD. Excitement.

I worry about Keenan. His parents would probably ground him if he were to quit without having another job lined up. UGH! This sucks!
What to do?

hrmm...

2004-11-20T16:22:00Z

Do online depression tests mean anything?

Like if I went to my doctor and said that I took some depression tests online would he tell me they don't bean anything?

Last night I hit my ultimate low. I keep doing things that I don't mean to do and most of the time I'm upset for no reason. When people look at me they're shocked if I'm smiling. I can barely stay awake for a good amount of my classes and if I am awake I can't focus for very long. This only gets worse and worse.

I think the changes in my life brought out the worst in whatever has been hidden inside me. I'm being forced to take notice in all of it. Medication is looking like the only way to fix things or at least make life tolerable.

Thanks for listening.

woot

2004-11-17T06:21:27Z

Tonight Keenan, Iain, and I went to see the Pixies! It was so much fun!

Seeing my first concert with the two of them was the best and it was tooo much fun.

I owe keenan so much... he got the tickets he got me a hooded sweatshirt... he's definately the best boyfriend ever.

Everything is wonderful!

A little change...

2004-08-15T04:51:16Z

From this point on most of my entries will be Friends ONLY.

If you are curious then comment to be added.

Thanks.

_

2004-08-14T06:36:10Z

Alien V. Predator rocked. It made me laugh my ass off. It was quoting Keenan, "a buddy movie, the next Harrold and Kumar." LOL. Predators though scary as all hell because they're purpose is hunting... are good allies to kill aliens.

I can't wait for Hero to come out to theaters. It's going to be sooooo good.

The monsters in the closet...

2004-08-12T21:03:02Z

I woke up this morning feeling that today was just like every other day. Waking up at 8:30 wishing I'd opened my eyes just a little later. I hate waiting for my day to start. Now I'm exhausted. My day has pretty much ended already.

Kill Bill Vol. 2 came out and my dad imediately rushed out to get it. That's one of the best movies ever.

My mom keeps watching court tv to keep up with the news on the Scott Peterson trial. I hope that they send his guilty ass to jail... but I don't think they have enough evidence to really convict him.

Right now I could use some heavy meditation, a nice hot bath, and things of that manner.

My Uncle Bob's Minolta camera came in the mail Tuesday. I now have my camera for Photography 1 which is so exciting! Finally I am able to take classes that I have been wanting to take.

This Sunday Keenan and I get to go to the Ren Faire. That'll be an assload of fun.

Now I'm even more tired so I'm going to lay down.

Chaos ends...

2004-08-09T13:30:32Z

I've barely been home this weekend. It's been perfectly fine though.

I'm extremely exhausted.

Saturday night Keenan and I went to Cinemark and paid admission to go see collateral. I had forgotten how nice Cinemark was. AMC sucks in comparison. I ended up falling asleep though which pissed me off because I really did want to see that movie.

Tell me what you think of my new Livejournal layout!

now I shower.

Memegens...

2004-08-04T04:24:01Z

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	unique

Quiz created with MemeGen!

What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852
Name
Birthdate
You killed
With a
On	May 7, 2011

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Sex Appeal
In a survival situation, you:	Act crazy as a diversion
Your hidden talent is:	Adaptability
Your gift is:	Fearlessness
In groups, you:	Don't fit in
Your best quality is:	Your abundant energy
Your weakness is:	Your laziness

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your icon is....... by beautiful1
Full Name
Age
Favorite Color
Your icon is....

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Moulin Rouge Status: by pinkrobelover
Your Name:
Your deepest secret:	You stole Christian's top hat
The Bohemian Ideal You hold true to most is:	Truth
Your Job at the Moulin Rouge:	Satine...the queen.
What the customers think:	A bit more practice in bed, mate.
Favorite Quote:	"You're going to be bad for business. I can tell."

Quiz created with MemeGen!

insecurity leads to desolation...

2004-07-17T17:34:23Z

So it's noon on a saturday and I'm sitting here in my room blasting any kind of depressing rock i can off of my silly pink ipod. Stranded really, no car to drive off in. Nowhere to drive to when a car materializes.

I only have myself to blame for this scenario that I'm constantly reliving almost every weekend. My newly found social anxiety has put a big drought on my friendships and potential relationships. There's always going to the doctor and telling him your symptoms, getting meds. But why be on some stupid little pill that could permanently change my personality. Prozac, a road to artificial happiness. My mom's on it... and there are definately huge personality changes.

I want my damn low-dose hormones back... thank god I get them started on sunday. Whoosh... semi-normal behavior rather than severe behavior. I've definately been a huge mess this month.

Hmm... new chuck taylors sound apetizing but I'm poor. So I'll stick with my old pair which I have grown oh so fond of.

Falling back into a spiral of Our Lady Peace obsession. Eek. *_*

Saw the movie I, Robot yesterday morning. Theaters are so nice in the morning. But anyways, it was a very good movie. Then again I love things with futuristic themes. Ever since reading Brave New World. Then later I saw Blow the whole way through and that was also a good movie. Johnny depp with blonde hair is a little strange though. I prefer the grungy brown hair... or red hair. Hrmm.

I feel like I did Freshman year. One time I got so bored that I played Linkin Park and some New age chick's album while I walked around in a small circle. I did that for like a half an hour or maybe even longer. Then I felt really dizzy. It's probably good that I grew out of baggy black goth pants.

I love the 90's: 1996 rocked my world. That episode made me laugh so hard that my boyfriend told me to stop (being that he's a meanie head and all :P ).

Well, it's time to find something else to occupy my brain. Nothing is on tv... and I'm getting bored with CS and TS. RAWR!

Had to turn up my music because my sister is playing the shittiest music ever created in her room and it's somehow breaking through my door. URGH! Hope the cops don't come!!! HAH.

Woot!

2004-07-12T05:58:35Z

I win at life. Why? Because I scored a 115 playing The Specialists and killed the specialist twice! I finished top.

I must play better when I'm tired lol.

I really want to go to the ren faire in wisconsin... hrmm.

pink hot chocolate with whip cream is soooooo good.

I think the pamprin I took started to make me hyper and crazy as it wore off. Hah... it was strange but I needed to laugh mindlessly.

people are cruel...

2004-06-27T20:36:06Z

I'm sitting here with a throbbing headache. I'm sure looking at a computer screen is making it much better, psh.

Walking around my house in a little tank top from Hollister. All they had left were smalls on the sales tables... I'm a small but bleh it's just something that bugs me. The tank I'm wearing now prbly could have been bought in a medium if there even were any. How do I know this...? bc my breasts are falling out of it very easily. It's really bothering me. then again all it has at the top is two strings that tie... no straps... maybe i just don't have it tied tight enough.

Anyways... I got my hair trimmed at Great Clips... of course, I come home shower and see that one side is longer than the other and have to fix it. Competance comes at too high a price for a teenager who only wants a freaking trim!

Summer has lightened up. I'm content now that things have become a pattern.

This morning I got to go to bakers... big breakfast.

All I have left is the wait. Wait until 6... so I yet again have the company I like to keep.

Now i want to sleep for a while..

No surprise here...

2004-06-27T03:37:05Z

My Best Friend is jonaswepeel

Our 11 common interests are: aqua teen hunger force, counter strike, ddr, dvds, family guy, final fantasy, futurama, killing the homeless, kurosawa, soul calibur, the specialists

Who is your best friend?

Created by macoto

fun, huh?

oopsies...

2004-06-22T05:24:14Z

Everything went okay tonight...
but damnit... fell asleep, looked at my watch and said, "oh shit, it's past 11!" Attempted through a cloud of sleep to get Keenan safely home. I won't know until later this morning if he's in trouble or not. If he is it's absolute bull shit.

I'm poor. All my attempts to get a job failed. By the time I worked up the nerve to ask places if they were hiring... college kids were back. All I can say is thank you ya drunk'n ass holes for taking almost every job available in Naperville! UGH! The only answer I get is, "check back in the fall". I'll be in school during the fall. My aim was not to work during the school. Damn.

For some reason I decided to grow my nails out. Now I remember why it's a pain in the ass. I went to open a can of tahitian treat and my nail bent... cracked in the side a little lower that i would have liked it to. Then I had to cautiously trim what I could off with the trippers. Luckily it doesn't hurt woot.

I get to sit here and watch an episode of cowboy bebop that I have not seen yet. Adult Swim is a godsend during the summer. I think I might stay up and do some tutorials for dreamweaver.

Keenan got me lunch at Panera... and panera has good chicken noodle soup and turkey sandwhiches mmmmmmmmm.
I read more of On the Road.

Hrmmph... cluttered mind.

CHUT UP!

2004-06-19T22:22:24Z

So I'm sitting here... bored. Crying off and on. I know I should be used to uneventful weekends and I should be happy that I did something every day this week. But today I just felt especially depressed when I awoke. Strings of nightmares always phases me for the rest of the day.

Thanks to Sarah I've had some source of amusement...
http://www.gabitus.com/cgi-bin/a_cgi/view-1087681199401

I've just been sitting here playing diablo and weaving hemp and now I just can't do any of that because I'm too damn depressed to. I watched Carrie but that just made my mood worse. All I could think about was how people treated other people. How rediculous one of us can be to another. More dismay.

I know tomorrow will be crappy too. Father's Day is always so shitty in my house. Doesn't matter though because I'm stuck here. Yah, I'm sure I could leave tomorrow if I wanted to but the one person I want to see usually is forcefully sucked into this Halmark holiday bullshit.

but i made a cool choker...

now I'm tired and I just want to lay down and wait for sex and the city to come on.

Damn ninja...

2004-06-16T05:47:35Z

I feel shitty.

I dont know why but that's just how it is. I'm sad.

Everything is good and then suddenly I feel like things aren't so good.

Strangers scare me. The change that strangers bring makes me uneasy. Change is a problem for almost everyone.

Perhaps this is all just the result of my lack of sleep.

maybe I'm just hallucinating. making up problems where none exist.

sometimes i just feel left out from things.

oh well.

I'll just fall asleep watching adult swim.

Perfect women in computers...

2004-06-06T00:03:27Z

I'm exhausted. I finished my study guide for history. woot.
Also a little bored. Soon I have to clean my room. Because suddenly there are ants... and that can't be good. HAh. No more eating in my room.
Today has been quite uneventful. I hate sit on your ass days. They're frustrating. Especially on nice days.
Rawr. I lost all of my armor in Diablo which really ticked me off.
I'm reading On The Road by Jack Kerouak. Keenan bought it for me... it's good so far.
Two more hours then I will be out of my house. Seems like an eternity away.
La la la.
Yearbook signing sucked yesterday. I left after fourty-five minutes feeling depressed. Lately that's how I'm feeling... depressed. Everything seems dull and life is just a damn blur of uneventfulness. Depending on one person socially probably isn't good but that's what works best for me. I can't handle the demands of other people/friends.

Oh well.

Either tonight or tomorrow I have to finish my Chem. poster... and make notecards... I guess I could do that mon. or tues. though if need be.

Just watched simone.... it was pretty good.

I need to clean now... then "doll" myself up hah. yah whateva.

Ciao.

mmmm peanut butter...

2004-06-05T06:10:32Z

So I'm sitting here at 1:10 AM eating peanut butter.

Tonight sucked.

Last full day of school.

Woot.

Hrmmmmph...

2004-05-30T21:44:18Z

I'm growing quite depressed now. I've been sitting here working on homework all day. Every so often I'll break... to play Diablo 2. I just don't feel good at all. Everyday is just another day to doubt everything and feel terrible about things I didn't do because I had homework.

Hrmmph...

some things are just worrying me beyond belief.

I wish i could take a nap... but nooooo, i've got work to do. Damn Chemistry.

Low on fuel...

2004-05-25T21:34:48Z

After hours and hours of homework and projects from last week there's only more hours to put forth on more projects.

What do I think of this? It's bullshit.
The only class I really feel like putting effort towards is Lit... why? Because I know that my teacher has just as much work as we her students have.

Today was kinda crapppy... bad news good news... then just more bad news.

I might be a TA next year *crosses fingers*. Such a silly child I am.

This is night two that I sit here alone contemplating the work I must do. Lately I've been going to bed with this bizarre satisfaction that I've accomplished so much. I've felt like my old self again, trying an assload harder than I have all year.

Keenan keeps saying, "I'm gonna eat all those babies" it's pretty humorous when you know the context. We also got a Joint cusotdy fish that we have named Neptune, it's a beta.

I'm growing darker... the constant storming has my insides as dangerous as the severe storms we're having.

No signs that my night will go anywhere yet. I'm slowly loosing hope and feeling like I should be doing things that I have to do.

Hrmmph. Why do I care?

Blah history...

2004-05-21T16:18:19Z

I'm sitting in the CAI on one of these lovely computers :P.
I should be researching Richard Nixon's domestic policies but alas... I'm lazy. I'm sick of school. This whole week has been awfully stressful.
Two history projects, chem project, Lit paper... too much going on.

Time to continue the facade of being a good student.
Whoosh...

In the end we're all alone...

2004-05-11T00:32:41Z

Tonight I sit her sulking in my loneliness... crying.
I was on the phone but my sister called to be a bitch and then she tried calling my dad and got him pissed off. Then he gets on the phone and starts yelling at me to get off. Then I say no... he can use his cell phone. He hangs up. He then comes back on and starts pressing numbers repetatively so I can't even concentrate. Then i hang up.
By that time the person i was on the phone had to go anyways. So screw being comforted. Life is such a sham. So here I am alone crying... thinking of all the things I should be doing instead. Fuck it.
My brother is gone... institutionalized practically.

Oh well... It's all fucked.

Woot. what a fantastic update. URRRGH!

The down down downs

2004-05-01T23:16:51Z

Today started out fine. I was with keenan. We went and did job interviews. Then I figured out I made a huge mistake in my interview and feel like shit because this is the first job that actually sounded nice. Hrmmph. Goddamnit I really can't stand myself after that one. I put my availability 5pm-9pm on weeknights and was unaware that the place closes at 10pm urrrgh. no one even said anything! The fact that I wasn't even informed when there work would start if i was hire and yet keenan did get informed... makes things even iffier and I just want to bang my head into a wall. So yah... the job that I wanted seems inevitably far away right now.

Then everything brightened up again.
I thought things were going to be fine for the rest of the day.
They weren't.
Keenan get's a call at 4 saying he NEEDS to go to work. Fucking ass holes. I fucking hate them all!
So yah... drove him to work.

Now I'm alone contemplating all the shit that happened today.

Hrmmph... Fucking shit days.

Too difficult to just disappear...

2004-04-26T04:44:36Z

Someday maybe I'll buy one of those guides to disappearing. Yaknow... the ones giving you nifty tips for falling off the face of the earth, staging your own disappearance. That idea sounds pretty appealing right now. Just the thought of starting over. Making friends... changing who I am. The works.

It's evident that no one understands me. Even the people I thought understood me no longer do. I feel completely alone right now. My acquaintances at school only see some type of facade I put up to hide who I am. My own identity is a blur. I can't talk to anyone without them giving biased opinions. They always act like what I am feeling is unreasonable when for me it may seem unreasonable but I can't help the way I feel.

It hurts when the people around you start becoming frustrated with you. You think... "have I changed and become some monstrosity or have I just always been this way?"

I can't sleep peacefully with all this bothering me. I can't fall asleep without crying knowing that in the big picture I may truly be alone. Sometimes it even seems like I'm the only one not changing.

I know what all this depression will lead up to. In a week or two I'll probably be physically sick... and then in some kind of rut that I will not easily be pulled out of.

Oh well... at least I was happy for a few hours today.